


Communication device

by caseykaboom



Series: Shenanigans at Avengers Park [3]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, F/M, M/M, Pets
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-26
Updated: 2013-12-26
Packaged: 2018-01-06 07:00:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,337
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1103852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/caseykaboom/pseuds/caseykaboom
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>AU where the Avengers have pets and they play in the same park. Crack fic.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Communication device

**Author's Note:**

> Pet (animal, owner):  
> Tony (robot/cat, Pepper)  
> Other-Clint (crow, Natasha)

**{Avengers Tower surveillance, residence level 45, A. Stark // Telephone call origin: Avengers Tower residence level 42, N. Romanoff // Intended recipient: A. Stark // Priority: 4}**

**{Living room speakers: override // Movie: PAUSE}**

**JARVIS:** I apologize for the interruption, sirs. There is an incoming phone call for Mr. Stark from Agent Romanoff, for a non-Avengers related matter. Priority 4, sir.

 **A. Stark:** I’m not in. Put the movie back on, J.

 **S. Rogers** **:** Tony. I’ll just be on the balcony—

 **A. Stark:** No no, stay right here, c’mere you— [inaudible] mm okay. Stay. It’s priority 4, it’s fine. All right JARVIS, patch her though.

 **A. Stark:** Hello, favorite former Russian spy.

 **S. Rogers** **:** Hi, Natasha.

 **N. Romanoff:** Hey Steve. Clint says hi. Tony we need to have words, the type where you get beaten up.

 **S. Rogers** **:** Natasha—

 **A. Stark:** What, why—

 **N. Romanoff:** No, both of you shut up and listen to me. Tony, what have you done to my crow!? Why is he wearing your tech, what the fuck does it do and _why is he talking_!?

 **A. Stark:** That—for once I can safely say is _not_ my doing, which is such an uncommon occurrence it scares me a little. Tell me more, though, what exactly do you mean he’s talking? Who’s he talking _to_?

 **N. Romanoff:** _I don’t know!_ Clint’s cat!? Except the cat just meows, which is what a normal cat does! Jesus Tony if you want a talking animal make that robot cat you gave Pepper talk or something, and leave my crow alone!

 **A. Stark:** I wanted to! Pepper wouldn’t let me!

 **S. Rogers** **:** Natasha, you said the crow is wearing Tony’s tech? Are you sure it’s Tony’s? Can you describe it?

 **N. Romanoff:** It’s small, sits around his neck like a necklace. Tiny speakers on the side. Judging from the logo that says Stark Industries, yeah, pretty damn sure it’s Tony’s. Steve did you design that logo? Very retro. And… patriotic. It’s in, I like it.

 **S. Rogers** **:** … No, I didn’t design it. Tony did you—

 **A. Stark:** ANYWAYS MOVING ON, yeah it sounds like mine all right—

 **N. Romanoff:** No shit it does—

 **A. Stark:** Have you tried—

 **N. Romanoff:** Tony if you say have you tried turning it off and on again, there will be blood.

 **A. Stark:** _I was going to say_ have you tried _talking to it_? It might be a throat mic I threw a translating algorithm on—

 **N. Romanoff:** No I took it off you twit, why would I try talking to it? Engaging in conversation with my pet is decidedly not on my to-do list, I—

 **N. Romanoff, related:** Caw—

 **N. Romanoff:** No, you shut your mouth—

 **A. Stark:** [snickering] Really, ‘cause it sure sounds like he wants to engage in conversation with _you_ —

 **N. Romanoff, related:** :’(

 **A. Stark:** Eugh what was that _sound_.

 **JARVIS:** The vocal rendering of a crying frown, sir.

 **N. Romanoff:** Oh great, my crow talks in _emoticons_?

 **A. Stark:** You understand _crow_ , J?

 **S. Rogers** **:** Children! Focus. Natasha, so if the tech is off your crow can’t talk? Tony can take a look at it, can you bring it upstairs?

 **A. Stark:** What? What about our _movie_?

 **N. Romanoff:** Shit, did I interrupt something? Sorry guys, I freaked out when I heard bird voice in my living room. SHIELD has a standing order of only one talking bird allowed, which is taken up by Fury’s parrot, and I did _not_ want Fury outside my bedroom when I’m fucking my partner, thanks.

 **A. Stark:** We did not want to know that, thanks.

 **N. Romanoff:** You love it. I’ll bring the tech to your lab tomorrow, make some time for me. Sorry for interrupting, guys. Good night, Cap.

 **S. Rogers** **:** Bye, Natasha.

 **A. Stark:** Say hi to Clint’s t—

 **S. Rogers** **:** Tony!

**{Call ended // Lights: 2% // Movie: RESUME}**

+++

“Caw caw caw caw,” other-Clint said urgently, pecking Tony on the head.

“Oh Jesus what the _fuck_ other-Clint, _shhhh_ my mom’s asleep upstairs!” Tony hissed and swatted at other-Clint. “Yes that is my name, what’s the fucking deal?”

Other-Clint cawed, quietly, nearly in tears.

“Oh. Well shit,” Tony yawned. “Yeah, I picked it up from my mom’s work desk. Didn’t think you’d get found out so quickly thought, geez.”

“Cawwww,” other-Clint whined.

“Yeah, okay, I’ll drop by tomorrow. No promises though, other-Clint—I mean if your mom didn’t want you to have it then you’re not gonna have it, you know? No, I get it, bro, chill. Good night, other-Clint. Kindly leave through the vent again, will you? Please and thank you.”

+++

**{Avengers Tower surveillance, research level B2-3, A. Stark // Request for entry: V. Potts, related // Priority: 4}**

**JARVIS:** Sir, Miss Potts’ robot pet is requesting entry to the lab.

 **A. Stark:** What the… okay? Let him in.

**{Lab access: V. Potts, related // Entry granted: vocal command, A. Stark}**

**A. Stark:** Hey buddy, how’s it going? Is it time for your checkup already? Where’s Pepper?

 **JARVIS:** It appears that he is here without Miss Potts, sir. He would like to speak to you regarding the incident last night with Agent Romanoff’s crow. Shall I uplink him directly, sir, or would you like me to paraphrase?

 **A. Stark:** Well fuck me sideways, did he nick it from Pepper? I don’t have the time to talk to a cat, J, parse him and summarize. Give Natasha a ding-dong, too, since we’re doing this now. Tell her to bring her pet.

 **JARVIS:** Certainly, sir.

**{Lab access: N. Romanoff; N. Romanoff, related}**

**N. Romanoff:** Tony.

 **A. Stark:** Over here, Nat.

 **A. Stark:** Yeah, that’s mine all right. Should be at Pepper’s for beta testing. Show me the translating algorithm on it, J—let’s see how it translated _crow_?

 **JARVIS:** The same language module as mine, sir. It can parse 17 animal languages, with an average accuracy of 73%.

 **A. Stark:** … You’re a beast, J.

 **JARVIS:** Thank you, sir. It helps anticipating the tower’s needs, pet care and otherwise. It appears that Agent Romanoff’s pet is communicating with the other pets with the aid of this device, sir.

 **A. Stark:** He shouldn’t talk human, then, if the primary objective wasn’t to ~~scare Nat off of Clint’s dick~~ —ow, okay I take that back, I’m sorry! Strike that, J.

 **JARVIS:** Done, sir. It appears that the device has been in contact with a… salivating house? Salivating large dog, sir, before the output language deviated from the intended one.

 **A. Stark:** Oh, then probably the waveform scanner got water damaged. Let’s see it—yup, there. Make a note, JARVIS, I’ll do something about that before releasing it. Here, gimme a hand, Dummy—

 **N. Romanoff:** Tony, upgrade your tech on your own time. For now just give him a working one, but fix the output to cat or whatever—anything but human. And restrict the input to crow. I don’t want my pet to understand everything I say, he understands too much as it is.

 **A. Stark:** Wait, suddenly you’re okay with your crow wearing my tech? And apparently talking to other pets with it? Nat, what if they _take over the world_?

 **N. Romanoff:** Then we’ll avenge it, Iron Man.

 **A. Stark:** What—that’s apathetic! Nat, that’s _shameful_! You represent everything that’s wrong with the world we’re in today!

**{Exiting lab: N. Romanoff}**

**A. Stark:** [muttering]

 **A. Stark:** There.

 **A. Stark:** Butterfinger, this one here— [inaudible]

 **A. Stark:** I am a genius.

 **A. Stark:** I just made a throat mic for a crow that translates from Avian to non-human Mammal. With a learning module that uplinks to my home security system.

 **A. Stark:** [sobbing] What am I doing with my life??

**{Exiting lab: V. Potts, related; N. Romanoff, related}**

+++

**{Avengers Tower surveillance, residence level 45, A. Stark // Telephone call origin: Avengers Tower residence level 43, C. Barton // Priority: 4}**

**C. Barton:** Tony I heard you have a thing that can translate between human and bird? Can you make _me_ one please I will swear my undying love to you—

**{Call ended}**

**Author's Note:**

> The real question is what am _I_ doing with _my_ life X'D


End file.
